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Saying Hello to Inner Demons

Published by Justine

I’m not sure what’s causing this inner terror that’s bothering me right now but I don’t like it at all. It’s making me lose my subconsciousness and depriving me of being grateful for the little things, which I always try and focus on daily for my mental health. I can’t even enjoy a single K-drama without revisits of this annoying mental clutch.

I’ve been so focused on my new job and the unknowingly jarring difference of now getting into the hang of an office life vs the remote life that I lived for a year and a half. That was good for my mental and professional reset after having been in a toxic environment for a while, before the lone wolf life took a toll on me again. This time however, the demons in my head seem to be self-inflicting and I’m not a big fan. I’m always beating myself up for losing control of my and letting anxiety win again. By writing this I hope I at least feel a little better.

A part of me wants to just stay home and wallow in all of the negativity but the other side of me is also urging me to get my ass up and recharge with my friends (update: I went out and saw friends! I’m so glad I did). I haven’t really had a proper hangout or seen my friends since my birthday season. My social life has sort of taken a backseat and I think it may be one of the attributes to feeling this way. I don’t know maaan, maybe this is PMS, but that’s also questionable because my PCOS is acting up again.

As I read what I wrote the morning after, I now admittedly feel better. I went out to dinner with my girlfriends, I upped my magnesium dosage last night before I went to bed, and I didn’t watch a K-drama after 12 midnight because I love myself. I realize it’s always going to be about self-love. But there are times when things get shitty and when they do, they really do. I’m happy I got to recharge last night because honestly, that was all I needed. The cycle may start again, but I will work on myself again. The seas may not be always be calm, but you can always choose to get through the waves to cross the other side.

A Post Birthday Listicle

Published by Justine

I may not blog as often, but I always make sure to have a blog up at the time of my birthday, whether a reflection, a recap, or just something to remember. No excuses!

  1. My birthday weekend was jampacked to say the least because I was in Manila for one of my best friend’s wedding on Saturday the 20th, and my birthday was on the 21st. That meant friends from Jakarta flew home to Manila. Double happies.
  2. I didn’t really have anything planned in terms of a celebration and just went with the waves. I had so much fun because I didn’t expect anything. I always have to remember that.
  3. My birthday was a celebration in itself because a good friend whom I met through twitter years ago got me tickets to ABS-CBN’s noontime show ASAP but even grander as it was Star Magic’s 25th Anniversary! Needless to say, I saw most of the local celebrities. Giddy and totally fangirl-ed!
  4. The weekend felt long and that was a great feeling because it meant I could treasure time with friends but at the same time when it was over it felt too short. Nevertheless whatever time we can get when we’re complete is a blessing in itself.
  5. Do I feel any different turning a year older? Definitely not. Whoever said that age is just a number needs to get a Pulitzer Award for phrases, if there was any.
  6. It’s my last year as a 20-something! I don’t feel any different. Maybe 30 finally will? We’ll have to see next year.

There it is, short and sweet. What will my 29th year bring in store for me? Will things be different next year or more or less the same? This year started on a good note with a new and a much more disciplined job which meant a bigger professional responsibility. I promise to learn and to always try my best to be happy, regardless of how old I am.

Terrace House: Boys & Girls in the City – A Subjective Ranking

Published by Justine

I finally, finally, finally finished Terrace House: Boys & Girls in the City. I say finally because I didn’t choose the most favorable time to binge-watch it, with all the travel and wedding (and birthday, probs), and work-related things I had to attend to. But I just. Could not. Stop. I spent a good amount of weekend time for it and the minute I got home from work, it would be the first thing I do. This resulted to finishing all 46 episodes in a span of 10 days. That may not seem like binge-watching but I HAD SO MUCH TO DO AND WORK IN BETWEEN ALDFJA;SDLJFA;F. ANYWAY!

(Fair warning: this post may contain spoilers for those who have not watched and are planning to.)

A little side note: I started with Aloha State when it first came out because it was more “real-time” and shorter. This made me develop a softer spot for the Aloha State cast. I feel like if I watched B&GITC first, Aloha State cast wouldn’t matter as much to me.

Inspired by this entry, I decided to make one of my own. My background based on this ranking is purely based on personal preference and entertainment value from being on the show and possibly who I see myself being friends or close with. Of course, I will provide a little insight into my choices but that’s pretty much it. Feel free to disagree.

Here goes!

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The Sunday Currently, v27

Published by Justine

While everyone’s long weekend is just starting or halfway, I’ve already completed mine. Beach: check. Food: check. Alcohol: check. Family & friends: check. Catching up on sleep: check. Catching up on shows & videos: check. This Sunday is all about getting back on track for the month to come.

FEELING
Tired. My long weekend had already started since Tuesday afternoon and I am spent. Not so much physically but mostly mentally. My mind was just all over the place since then and I haven’t done much introspection. It’s a little annoying, to be honest.

READING
A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara. Rob has been recommending this book to me and after a good light reading streak the past few days, I am ready to tackle a good and long book–this one is almost 800 pages!

WATCHING
I just finished episode 11 of Riverdale. We’re getting so close to finding out Jason Blossom’s murderer! I’m also watching Strong Woman Do Bong Soon. After Weightlifting Fairy, I wanted another bearer-of-good-vibes kdrama and while SWDBS is one, I didn’t realize it actually masks as a mystery/crime thriller of some sort. I’m not complaining.. episode 7 is where the good stuff starts. You always have to be patient with kdramas and I think that’s the beauty of it.

LISTENING
Mostly to a lot of Dua Lipa and Drake, lately.

EATING
I haven’t had dinner yet (time check 11:44pm) but I found this weird small cookie/cake hybrid type on the dinner table and I had two of those. I didn’t like it but I wanted to confirm my preference after the 2nd one. Still do not like it.

THINKING
About how it’s almost my birthday month! It’s another one of those “slow the fuck down, time!” moments again. It’s the last year of my 20s! What have I done with my life? What am I hoping to accomplish? Why am I still single again?

HOPING
I won’t be slaughtered by my boxing trainer this week.

—

I really need to say this. Sorry. It’s gonna be May!!!!!

The Sunday Currently, v26

Published by Justine

FEELING
All sorts of things, listed below:
1. HAPPY – because I just got my period (FINALLY) today but I am also suffering from major cramps.
2. RELIEVED – because of said reason above, suffering from PCOS makes you feel these things. A period is like a major win in life.
3. CRAZY – all these hormonal emotions are getting the worst of me. I want to snap at people, my PMS was about 2 weeks long and it’s been a whirlwind of emotions.
4. ANNOYED – my ISP has been really shitty lately and if only I had the power to burn down their building I would.
5. EXCITED – because in about a month one of my bestest friends is getting married and it’s on my birthday weekend and I’m a bridesmaid and there’s so much to plan and gaaaaahhhhhhh the emotions!

So there’s that.

WATCHING
I finished Part 2 of Terrace House Aloha State in a span of 2 days and now I’m catching up on Erik Conover’s vlogs. I haven’t been good with YouTube lately and I’ve sort of abandoned religiously watching vlogs but I am always catching up with his.

LISTENING
…to my sister screaming, “Everything’s so boring!!!” in the background.

HOPING
I have the willpower to update this blog more often. I also want to be able to catch up on my journaling–or bullet journal however you want to call it. I think I have a backlog of 2 weeks now.

THINKING
About New York City and how I miss it all of a sudden. It must be great during springtime; not too cold (the time when I was there) and not too hot (that it becomes a pain to walk everywhere in the heat and crowds).

WISHING
To have a good few days off this week. It’s the Holy Week meaning I get to go home to the province, chill and just take everything slow and enjoy my long break. After 3 months of hard work in the new job and just getting the hang of things, I’m glad I have a few days off to recharge and power through work again.