I’m not sure what’s causing this inner terror that’s bothering me right now but I don’t like it at all. It’s making me lose my subconsciousness and depriving me of being grateful for the little things, which I always try and focus on daily for my mental health. I can’t even enjoy a single K-drama without revisits of this annoying mental clutch.
I’ve been so focused on my new job and the unknowingly jarring difference of now getting into the hang of an office life vs the remote life that I lived for a year and a half. That was good for my mental and professional reset after having been in a toxic environment for a while, before the lone wolf life took a toll on me again. This time however, the demons in my head seem to be self-inflicting and I’m not a big fan. I’m always beating myself up for losing control of my and letting anxiety win again. By writing this I hope I at least feel a little better.
A part of me wants to just stay home and wallow in all of the negativity but the other side of me is also urging me to get my ass up and recharge with my friends (update: I went out and saw friends! I’m so glad I did). I haven’t really had a proper hangout or seen my friends since my birthday season. My social life has sort of taken a backseat and I think it may be one of the attributes to feeling this way. I don’t know maaan, maybe this is PMS, but that’s also questionable because my PCOS is acting up again.
As I read what I wrote the morning after, I now admittedly feel better. I went out to dinner with my girlfriends, I upped my magnesium dosage last night before I went to bed, and I didn’t watch a K-drama after 12 midnight because I love myself. I realize it’s always going to be about self-love. But there are times when things get shitty and when they do, they really do. I’m happy I got to recharge last night because honestly, that was all I needed. The cycle may start again, but I will work on myself again. The seas may not be always be calm, but you can always choose to get through the waves to cross the other side.