Waking up to read about the passing of Chester, and his methods moreso, was such a shock to me and to many people who grew up in the same music generation as me. What a huge loss and tragedy to his family, his 6 children, his bandmates, and the music industry as a whole. In my case, it also contributes to a portion of an end of the mainstream nu metal music era, one which I loved and influenced by as I was growing up.
Liking Linkin Park considered to be such a “revolution” to kids my age because we’d been depending on Korn, Limp Bizkit, Slipknot, Kittie (in my case because I was looking for a female-centered heavy metal band at the time) and similar bands who spewed out bad words after bad words with especially nonsensical lyrics to 11/12 year olds. Their lyrics, on the other hand, were heartfelt and full of emotion, angst, meaning, and that resonated with a whole lot when were were pubescent and angry at the world.
“I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real. I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long. Erase all the pain till it’s gone. I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real. I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along, somewhere I belong.”
Hybrid Theory, Meteora, and Collision Course with Jay-z were huge parts of my life. I had all these albums whether bought, or given by guy friends because they knew how much I liked Linkin Park. I had posters of Rob Bourdon in my room, I memorized the lyrics to In The End and sang it out loud any chance I could get whether alone or with friends, and cried to My December when I first heard it because I couldn’t believe a rock band could do such a slow and melodious song.
My guy friends and I would let MTV play in the background while we were hanging out outside or doing our own thing, and once Linkin Park’s One Step Closer music video would come on TV we would run inside and headbang to it together. I may have forgotten who my guy friends were at the time, but I will never remember that moment.
“Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal. Fear is how I fall, confusing what is real.”
I realized I have more to say about Linkin Park than about Chester himself, but you see Chester WAS and IS Linkin Park. He was the voice, the brand, one that made Linkin Park the way it is. Even with countless side projects, family matters, and personal issues to deal with, he never left Linkin Park. From what I’ve read over the years, he was always a good person from respectfully greeting fans positively, being a nice friend among his peers, his bandmates, and people in the industry.
It really is a sad moment and ultimately relates to mental health. Chester went through a lot growing up and had his share of downs in life. I continue to hope that nobody ever has to result to suicide no matter how loud the inner demons scream and egg you on. RIP, Chester Bennington. Thank you for being a part of my life.
“Memories consume, like opening the wound I’m picking me apart again. You all assume I’m safe here in my room, unless I try to start again. I don’t want to be the one the battles always choose, coz inside I realize that I’m the one confused. I don’t know what’s worth fighting for or why I have to scream. I don’t know why I instigate. I don’t know how I got this way, I know it’s not alright. So I’m breaking the habits tonight.”
I’m not sure what’s causing this inner terror that’s bothering me right now but I don’t like it at all. It’s making me lose my subconsciousness and depriving me of being grateful for the little things, which I always try and focus on daily for my mental health. I can’t even enjoy a single K-drama without revisits of this annoying mental clutch.
I’ve been so focused on my new job and the unknowingly jarring difference of now getting into the hang of an office life vs the remote life that I lived for a year and a half. That was good for my mental and professional reset after having been in a toxic environment for a while, before the lone wolf life took a toll on me again. This time however, the demons in my head seem to be self-inflicting and I’m not a big fan. I’m always beating myself up for losing control of my and letting anxiety win again. By writing this I hope I at least feel a little better.
A part of me wants to just stay home and wallow in all of the negativity but the other side of me is also urging me to get my ass up and recharge with my friends (update: I went out and saw friends! I’m so glad I did). I haven’t really had a proper hangout or seen my friends since my birthday season. My social life has sort of taken a backseat and I think it may be one of the attributes to feeling this way. I don’t know maaan, maybe this is PMS, but that’s also questionable because my PCOS is acting up again.
As I read what I wrote the morning after, I now admittedly feel better. I went out to dinner with my girlfriends, I upped my magnesium dosage last night before I went to bed, and I didn’t watch a K-drama after 12 midnight because I love myself. I realize it’s always going to be about self-love. But there are times when things get shitty and when they do, they really do. I’m happy I got to recharge last night because honestly, that was all I needed. The cycle may start again, but I will work on myself again. The seas may not be always be calm, but you can always choose to get through the waves to cross the other side.
Remember early last month when we went up to Osmeña Peak and couldn’t see a thing because of the fog? That day I told myself that I have to go back and see the peak without a fog in the near future. Lo and behold, our work team outing included Osmeña Peak as one of its destinations last week! I hoped and prayed days prior that it wouldn’t be foggy again so the climb would be all worth it.It rained almost every morning the whole week leading up to Friday so my hopes didn’t go that high. I tried to console myself saying that because it kept raining, it probably won’t rain the day of the trek anymore. Good thing I was right! I was kind of annoyed because the climb was more tiring this time because I was met with the heat and wearing a sweater, my breaths were at crossroads with each other. I realized doing the trek in cold and damp weather was so much nicer.
Papi’s back! Because of lebaran break (or how we used to call it in school), he’s back in Cebu for a good 3 weeks. He’s already in the middle of his second week and seriously, time flies by too fast when you’re having fun. It always sucks when he has to go back to Semarang, but work is work. Same goes for Tita May who’s here for just a little over a week! Half of my life was lived in a series of balikbayan trips home so these feelings are all too familiar to me.
I miss my (girl)friends but good thing I had the chance to hang out with Juna and Hazel the past week or so. A quick dinner and a hang-out last weekend was good enough chance to catch up. I miss my friends <33333 I’ll make it up to you guys.
June went by so fast????? July is approaching in a couple of days and I’m making more room for even more trips and family bondings as the East Coast family is coming home to spend a few summer weeks back in the homeland. I’m excited!
I’m not all about the bright/white skin life but I’ve been using this really nice soap to even out the skintone of my body. It’s been working really great so far, more than I ever thought it would. Then I go sea swimming on Friday in the heat of the sun, and now I have a new set of tan lines. I can never say no to inviting beach water.
I’m not a big fan of circle lenses, but Tita May got me a set from Jakarta called Geolica HoliCat and I am absolutely in like (almost love). Not so much the color as much as the comfort and the ease of wear. I can wear it for 14 hours straight without wanting to pull out my eyeballs and I even wore it with fake eyelashes for an event! Will definitely buy again, giving it 4.5 stars. Yes, this is in contrast to my Acuvue Moist dailies that aren’t really cutting it for me.
I better stop before this gets big bite sized, heh. Til the next!
When Bianca told me she needed help in planning her wedding, I gladly obliged, despite being a plane ride away. Whatever I could do, I tried to help. Fortunately and to our pleasant surprise, the church she chose had very limited slots and her chosen date was May 20 at 9am. I didn’t expect to be spending my birthday in Manila this year, but I was glad! It meant I would be spending it with the Jakarta famkada again, just like 2014 and a bit of last year.
We (Mom, Jana, me) left on the 18th, taking the last flight out by PAL. It was an early night for us because we wanted to avoid traffic, and we did. What I hated the most was that our flight was delayed by 2+ hours, so it was quite a bitch waiting in the airport. The only thing that consoled me was PAL planes are better, so it was a very comfortable trip. I joked to Jana that we spend more hours waiting in the airport than being on the flight itself.
It was such a great coincidence that the condo that Ate Checoi & Kuya Boboy kindly let us borrow for the weekend was just around the vicinity of the bridal hotel, the church, and the reception venue. This is the first time I’ve ever been in Quezon City and I was a little bit disoriented at first but it turned out alright. By the time we arrived QC, it was past 2am already. I fell asleep excited for the weekend’s festivities.
The Day Before the Wedding (Preparation & Bachelorette Sparty)
Friday was our planned “bachelorette” for Bianca. The ladies of the entourage —Abby the MOH, me, Noemi, Gia, Sally (Bianca’s close college friend), Carissa, and Patty—decided that we were going to plan a Sparty where we would do our nails, have foot and/or body massages, and just relax. Initially it was supposed to be in a salon within the area but I foresaw the day to be extremely hectic and crazy that I figured nobody would have time for logistics and going out of the hotel so Abby arranged the spa to come to us instead. Later on we would really be thankful of that arrangement. The sparty was set for 4 in the afternoon, after Abby accompanies Bianca to do her last minute fitting, and other bridal errands.
B Hotel in QC was Bianca’s choice so that’s where we booked a room prior to the wedding day for 4 of the girls too. In the morning, I met many of the Jakarta Titas during breakfast and then the Core girls for brunch. It was so good to see Noemi again after a year, Carissa, and although I have seen Patty and Gee for the past year, it was so good to be with the girls again–sans Bianca for the moment. After lunch, Carissa did some visa errands, and so did Gee and Patty in Novotel (where they were booked), so I went ahead and did an early check in and so did Noemi & Norvin and we spent the early afternoon just talking and catching up. Many stories to be had and many lazing arounds to be done. Always one of my favorite things to do with them.
Also I must note, for the whole duration of our stay and thereafter, B Hotel provided the best possible service. One of the best I have received, so to say. The staff were so nice, so courteous, so patient, and attended to our every need. I requested to change rooms THRICE during a one night stay, and they did not bat a single eyelash to it and to our other requests. Thank you very much for dealing with a bridesmaid-zilla!
To cut a long story short, the Sparty was a success, but the surprise wasn’t. It seemed like everybody arrived at the same time! I kept the sparty attendants in our room hoping that Bianca’s room would only be across ours and our surprise would be flawless, only to find out it was floors down below. So I had to bring the attendants to the right floor and lo and behold, we bumped into Bianca in the corridor towards the room after a failed stalling by the groom and me yelling, “Surprise???” in the hotel corridors while we were all on the way to the room. All of this while Abby the MOH was frantically blowing up the bride & groom balloons for the decorations. Thank goodness Sally brought enough cookies for everyone to satisfy our sugar rush!
After that everything went into place. We had our manicures and foot spas and pedicures and full body massages and head massages and everything was so good. I got to have some quality time with Bianca when we had our massage together. So happy we got to talk for a bit and catch up.
Time flew by so fast that afternoon and the next thing we knew it was nighttime and time to have dinner before we prepare for bed! Bianca was supposed to be asleep by 7pm because she had to be awake and prepare by 1am, but by 8-9pm we were still having dinner at the hotel restaurant. Pre bedtime preparations were done (like ironing our dresses–thanks Noemi for your expertise!!) and by 11pm we were all in bed. Bianca gets ready by 1am, and we had to start getting ready by 3am which we were wrong about.
Wedding Day
A little before 2am, Abby rang our doorbell because it was time to prepare. So early! I was glad I had a deep sleep despite the short time. Everyone was up and we had to call the Novotel girls Patty and Gee to come over to the hotel. By 6am we weren’t all ready yet–crazy right? Even though we all woke up so early we still underestimated the time it would take to glam up. The bridesmaids had a pre-shoot with the videographer and I hadn’t even done my hair yet so in that footage my hair is all messy and everything and it was just my makeup that was done. Haaaa.
We all went to the church a little before 8am for the 9am ceremony and after photos and greetings, we all walked down the aisle before the bride. My partner, one of the groomsmen and Chooch’s best friend told me right before we walked, “I still can’t believe this is happening!” and because it is summer in the Philippines we had already started sweating before the bride’s march. Also partly due to nervousness. The ceremony ended, and the entourage had a little photo shoot post-ceremony before we proceeded to the reception area. I had to give a speech that I was going to prepare the night before and totally failed because of all the busy-ness! What’s worse, I also went right after my partner who was such a natural in giving speeches. He delivered his so greatly and I couldn’t believe I went after him. I managed to create a small bullet point of what I was going to mention and even though that part (giving the speech) was such a blur to me, I’d like to think I did a good job because Bianca cried. I didn’t want to cry! So I didn’t look at her much.
Everyone had a good time during the reception and it was a chance for us to bond even though it was just for a short while and so many things were happening in between. I cried during Tito Ric’s speech (gaaaah T____T), and when the videographers showed their super well-made SDE (same day edit).. I burst into tears as well.
So there’s that. One of my best friends is now married and we were all there to witness it!
I may not blog as often, but I always make sure to have a blog up at the time of my birthday, whether a reflection, a recap, or just something to remember. No excuses!
My birthday weekend was jampacked to say the least because I was in Manila for one of my best friend’s wedding on Saturday the 20th, and my birthday was on the 21st. That meant friends from Jakarta flew home to Manila. Double happies.
I didn’t really have anything planned in terms of a celebration and just went with the waves. I had so much fun because I didn’t expect anything. I always have to remember that.
My birthday was a celebration in itself because a good friend whom I met through twitter years ago got me tickets to ABS-CBN’s noontime show ASAP but even grander as it was Star Magic’s 25th Anniversary! Needless to say, I saw most of the local celebrities. Giddy and totally fangirl-ed!
The weekend felt long and that was a great feeling because it meant I could treasure time with friends but at the same time when it was over it felt too short. Nevertheless whatever time we can get when we’re complete is a blessing in itself.
Do I feel any different turning a year older? Definitely not. Whoever said that age is just a number needs to get a Pulitzer Award for phrases, if there was any.
It’s my last year as a 20-something! I don’t feel any different. Maybe 30 finally will? We’ll have to see next year.
There it is, short and sweet. What will my 29th year bring in store for me? Will things be different next year or more or less the same? This year started on a good note with a new and a much more disciplined job which meant a bigger professional responsibility. I promise to learn and to always try my best to be happy, regardless of how old I am.
